Excerpt from my “Behind the Stage of a Florida Political Event”

After watching Charlie Crist accept the Democratic nomination for Florida Governor at his election night party, my friends and I fled the ruckus to a nearby hotel to enjoy a drink in privacy. Apparently we were not alone in this idea.

After watching Charlie Crist accept the Democratic nomination for Florida Governor at his election night party, my friends and I fled the ruckus to a nearby hotel to enjoy a drink in privacy. Apparently, we were not alone in this idea.

Here’s an excerpt from my “Behind the Stage of a Florida Political Event:”

“On August 26, 2014, Charlie Crist hosted an election watch party at Fort Lauderdale’s swanky Hyatt Regency Pier 66 Hotel. . . .

No doubt wanting to set a positive example, the buffet was overflowing with a disappointingly healthy selection of nuts, berries, raw vegetables, and a sundry collection of cheeses. This always happens at hyper-conscious south Florida democratic events. What was missing was a gift bag filled with oranges.

In Tallahassee we do it right.

We deep fry the whole pig while it is still alive. This guarantees freshness.

This is accompanied with a capillary-exploding volume of fried shrimp, fried chicken, fried mullet, fried catfish, fried okra, fried potatoes, fried cheese, fried funnel cakes, fried Oreos, and a deep-fried breaded brick of butter.

Not everything is fried.

The venerable smorgasbord of bacon-beans and cheesy macaroni are baked and the mayonnaise-drowned coleslaw is served by the bucket. Everybody has their own family recipe for deviled eggs. We carb up our bread by cooking it in creamed corn and you can dunk it into the residual fleshy grease of the deep fryer for additional flavor.

Those brave enough to smuggle broccoli and carrots into a north Florida Democratic Party event had better accompany such unwelcome produce with barrels of homemade extra-fat ranch dressing.

Attendees are usually generous in sharing their garage-distilled hooch, but a few crucial calories can be shaved by mixing Alma’s moonshine with diet coke. . . .

Meanwhile, why do we traditionally make our candidates for school board hoist a writhing rabid opossum in the air during parades?

Because we can.”

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